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Tips on How to Stay Cool, From My Dog Lola

Did you notice that it's hot out?

Sunburns; hot, sticky leather car seats; reduced car performance; higher electricity bills—I’m fine with all of these things.

There’s really only one thing I can’t tolerate about the heat: regional TV news coverage of … the heat.

For the past two days, temperatures have been in the 90s. It’s mid June, and well … these things happen. It’s not too much of an anomaly. It’s not Christmas. It’s not Valentine’s Day. Heck, it’s not even Arbor Day.

It’s a week in mid-June.

Every news broadcast I’ve seen for the past couple of days has started off with the heat—telling me that the temperature of the atmosphere in the Philadelphia area is higher than the average.

Thanks, news. I owe you one.

Your service would be ever-so-helpful if 1) my body couldn’t sense temperature on its own 2) I was too stupid to either change the temperature in my environment, or go to a different location where it was cooler.

My dog understands this. She seeks out shade and drinks more water when it’s hot.

Wait … I should drink more water because it’s hot?

TV news, you have been a beacon of information these past couple of days—an advocate for the people!

If I hear one more “tip” about how to stay cool, I’m going to shoot my television, a la Elvis. (He did that, right?) What makes TV news think that I’m stupider than my dog, Lola?

Here are some tips, on how to stay cool, from my dog:

- It appears she is sleeping under a table. (Find a cool location.)

- She went from the hottest room in the house to the coolest room. (Move to a cooler location if your current location is too hot.)

- She is drinking more water than usual. (Drink plenty of water.)

- She is not drinking beer or a vodka martini. (Do NOT drink beer or a vodka martini.)

- She is not running around as much as she usually does. (Do not make yourself hotter by running around.) 

- She is not baking cookies in the house with the windows closed. (Turn off the oven; do not bake cookies.)

- It appears she has shed her winter coat. (Put away the fur coat; today, don a T-shirt today.)

Sound familiar? I knew my dog was smart.

Hey, TV news—I’m OK with taking pictures of people enjoying, or not enjoying, the weather. Throw in some video of kids playing at a local pool. Fire up the stock footage of old people eating an ice cream cone. Hell, even show footage of someone cooking an egg on the dashboard of his or her car.

Just keep it short, regional news outlet. Nobody needs help to figure out which way to turn the thermostat on days like today. 

Stay cool, folks. You'll figure out how to do it.

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