A new challenger has entered the 2012 presidential race: Jesus Christ. Even more shocking, Christ announced that he would not be running for either of the two political parties.
“Although I rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, I refuse to run under the Democratic party platform. And even though I am seated at the right hand of God the Father, I will not be the pawn of the Republicans.”
Many have expressed concerns about Christ’s unwillingness to run for either of the two main political parties. “He’s my Lord and Savior,” a local pastor announced, “but I can’t waste my vote on a third party candidate.”
Others have complained that as a candidate, Jesus would try to make America into a Christian nation. This fear has led the ACLU to file a lawsuit against his candidacy, claiming that Christ, being the Son of God, violated the Separation of Church and State.
Another scandal that has arisen is the birther issue, with protesters demanding to see Christ’s long form birth certificate. “I do not believe he meets the Constitutional requirement of being a natural-born citizen of the United States,” one protestor complained.
Legal experts believe that the courts will decide in Christ’s favor on the above two issues, mainly out of a fear of eternal judgment if they do otherwise.
Jesus took the opportunity afforded by the conference to clearly establish his positions.
BAILOUTS – Christ pointed to his death on the cross as an example of how he would make any future bailouts succeed.
HEALTHCARE – Christ indicated that his pro bono work of healing the blind, the lepers, and resurrecting the dead would be the basis for any viable healthcare reform.
CLIMATE CHANGE – Christ emphasized his calming of the storm to show his results-oriented record on climate change.
FOOD STAMPS – Christ replied that his feeding of four thousand with seven loaves of bread and a few fish demonstrated an effective restructuring of this welfare provision.
Though Christ is known for his honesty and integrity, many fear that he will be corrupted by Washington politics. One Washington insider relied, “He may have withstood temptation by Satan after his forty-day fast in the wilderness, but that doesn’t mean he can handle the lobbyists.”
Finally, Christ’s campaign chairman says that the candidate has repeatedly frustrated the Secret Service Agents. “He can’t seem to figure out who is supposed to take a bullet for whom.”