It's lightly snowing ... it was nice knowing you
It's snowing, so you're probably looking to the media for tips on how not to die
I’ve been thinking about taking a trip lately. I was thinking about just leaving my friends and family (and all my Patch responsibilities) and moving to a state that isn’t terrified by white precipitation. Perhaps Colorado, maybe Alaska or Vermont — heck, maybe even one of those provinces in Canada that I heard about in third-grade geography class.
Saskatchewan’s still around, right?
I’m thinking about planning a trip, just for all of winter, to one of these exotic locales to see how their respective media outlets deal with this snow stuff I’ve been hearing so much about lately.
Just for the winter.
Now, I hate the cold. I stand by the vent when the forced-air heat comes on in my house and won’t leave until it stops, I try to get the “temperature high score” in my living room with my wood-burning stove (the record stands at 112 degrees and it’s currently a brisk 99), and I won’t buy a car unless it has heated seats.
But, I love the snow. I love driving in it, I love skiing and I love snowballs and snow angels.
Snow is vilified in southeastern Pennsylvania. All day, the region has been preparing for three to six inches of snow; it's a devastating, crippling, massively inconvenient gift from Mother Nature, sent down to interrupt traffic, anger property owners and create debates over whether or not a school should be closed. The snow summons the TV crews to the streets, the hardware stores and, of course, the supermarkets.
This just in ... 79-year-old Millie, from Carpenter Street in South Philly, hates snow. Hates snow with capital letters — hates shoveling the snow, hates digging out her 1985 Cadillac Fleetwood and hates the fact that the stores are crowded.
But wait! Ten-year-old Jimmy, of Rydal, loves snow. He loves having the day off, he loves sledding with his friends, he loves …
The fact that kids love snow and older people hate shoveling has already been proven. Snow has probably been happening in Pennsylvania for eons. There’s nothing new.
Also, when it snows, people feel the need to buy eggs, toilet paper and bread, shovels and salt. This too, has been proven.
So … as part of my trip, I’d like to see if the potential of getting three to six inches of snow even makes the news in places where it snows a lot — like Canada. Are there discussions about cancelling school because the students would have to walk through three inches of snow? Do school buses not work in the snow? Do these students ever go to school?
And do the media outlets in these colder, more snowy climes, inundate their viewers with lame, common sense “tips?”
“Dress in layers.”
“Don’t drive too quickly in the snow.”
“Don’t shovel snow to the point of cardiac arrest.”
“Just stay in.”
You’re welcome, readers. Now you know not to drag race naked in the snow after exhausting yourself while shoveling. And if it’s lightly snowing, and you have somewhere important to be, you probably shouldn’t go — as per the advice of the media — even if your wife is pregnant and in need of going to the hospital … and you drive an Audi S4 with Bridgestone Blizzaks at all four corners.
It’s dangerous out there, gang.
Media outlets in snowy areas probably say things like, “It’s snowing, but you’re not an idiot. Wednesday it will not snow. Plan accordingly.”
Right now, I’m waiting for the snow to ruin my piece of the world, as the TV media has suggested. There’s a small dusting of snow on my car, though not enough to change the color of my car from “salt residue blue” to white.”
I’m going to look into that trip.